What does it mean when my cat kneads and moves hips weirdly on me?

Kittyanu is masturbating. It's a normal behavior, and he's learned that it feels good. If he kneads on you and starts this behavior, immediately put him down and ignore him to teach him you do not like that behavior and you will ignore him if he does it.

Male cats will tend to do this behavior if they have not been neutered. If your cat has been neutered I would check with the vet who performed the surgery to ensure that both testicles were retrieved at the time of the surgery and that your cat does not have a retained testicle or is what we call a cryptorchid. Some cats fail to descend a testicle and it remains in the abdominal cavity. One of the signs that this has happened is latent "sexual activity such as "masturbation activity" such as your cat is doing. Not all cats who do this have retained testicles, but it can often be the case. If you and your vet know for 100% certainty that he had both testicles removed, then this may just be a behavior that your cat does. Your vet may have some suggestions to dissuade your cat from doing this, but it is generally nothing harmful and the cat is just acting out, will finish and there is nothing else to it. If the cat did retain a testicle, the vet can go in surgically to remove it. It is important to remove the retained testicles because they can become cancerous. I myself have a cat who does this (he had both his jewels removed successfully) so we just call it making "dirty biscuits". There really is no reason for his behavior, he just does it... But I made sure that there was no medical reason first! :) Usually I have a nice water bottle on hand and that seems to work great :)

From reading your description, I think I know what Apollo is doing and it's something that may make you a little grossed out. It could be that he is masturbating. Even neutered cats will do this because it feels good, and the behavior is shown by kneading the front paws and movement from the back legs including kicking them out or appearing to have spasm like motions. He's cleaning himself after he is done. I'd be concerned about fleas if he was scratching a lot, overgrooming, and losing fur along his back by his tail and on his stomach. You can get him to stop this behavior by distracting him when he starts with a toy or treat, or picking him up and moving him. I hope this helps!

Barf is masturbating on your hand. Masturbating is a normal behavior, but you certainly don't want it on your hand! Each time he tries to do it, remove him from your side. Put him down on the floor, or lock him out of the room. He will soon learn that when he does this to your hand, he gets ignored and banished.

I see that Chubbs isn't neutered. This is going to be gross for you to read, but what you are seeing is likely sperm. He is masturbating when he is kneading and humping, and he's doing it to ejaculation. If you want him to stop ejaculating on you, the best thing to do is have him neutered as soon as possible. Keep in mind as well that an intact cat will start urinating around the house to make his territory, and that smell is very difficulty to get out. He may continue the masturbation behavior even when neutered because he's learned it feels good, but at least he won't ejaculate on you afterwards! I hope this helps!

This is pretty normal cat behavior. They ask for attention and then get overstimulated. With an intact male cat it could also be hormonally related. I suggest you have him neutered and likely the behavior will stop.

There's no reason for you to put up with this behavior. Rather than punish him, when he does this, get up and move away from him, denying him your presence and attention. Ignore him for about 15 minutes, then, if he comes to you and wants attention in an acceptable form, such as rubbing and head bumping, by all means, indulge him. As soon as it progresses into unwanted behavior, walk away from him. If he persists, you can clap your hands loudly to startle him out of his mood, or you can make a shake can by putting pebbles or pennies into an empty soda can and taping the opening shut. When he does something you don't like, shake the can or drop it to make noise and it should startle him enough to discourage the behavior but not frighten him. Also, consider giving him a stuffed animal to 'make out' with. If you aren't planning on breeding him, getting him neutered will help diminish the unwanted sexual behavior.